last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
