i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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