I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
