I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
