gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
