The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
