All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
