I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
