yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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