Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.