Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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