Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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