I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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