I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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