2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
