I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
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He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
there is glitter all over my balls
its liver damage thursday
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