I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
