Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
