last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
