I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
