He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
