so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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