My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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