I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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