jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
