I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
