So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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