Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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