i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
