So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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