I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
