Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
