how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
