so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
