i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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