Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
