I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
