ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
