I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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