and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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