If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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