Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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