Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
