i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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