I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
