my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
