my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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