Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
