i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
