Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
