I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
