my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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