I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
