apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
